A Heart That Cannot Understand
by Diva-esque
Summary: Haku's thoughts during the events of the movie.


**A Heart that Cannot Understand**

Author: Aishuu

Fandom: Spirited Away

Pairing: Kohaku/Sen

* * *

You weren't quite sure what to do when you saw the girl, but you reacted, even though you knew you shouldn't. It would offend Yubaba, you knew, but you couldn't help yourself. She was familiar as the riverbanks you once managed, a half-remembered dream, something you cared for, something you treasured. 

She was small and childish, and even though your appearance wasn't much older than she was, you were. You had trod the paths of time much longer then she could even begin to understand, so there was little chance she would be worth your while in the long run.

She was, after all, only human.

Still, something in the heart which you had buried to protect yourself stirred, and you found the nobility you had tried to deny yourself for so long raised to the surface. For the first time in ages, you were needed.

You couldn't resist the call.

It was a subtle game you had to play to keep her safe, to make her strong. The witch was smart, but you had watched her long enough to know her weaknesses. It was these you exploited, to keep the girl safe, because it was all you could think of doing.

The girl was stronger than you thought. She stood up well to Yubaba, and demanded a right to a place to prove herself. She managed to suffer through your own cruelty, the diamond-hard mask that everyone knew you for, because that is all you dared show.

You knew she'd be crying to herself later, but she hid it well. Maybe, you dared believe, she would survive. Maybe... there was such a thing as hope. You had forgotten what that was like. Maybe you forgot what that was around the same time you forgot your own name.

Later, you went in to awaken her, to show her exactly what she was facing. You hoped it would not break her spirit, for you knew how fragile they could be; it was a close thing. When she fell apart in front of you, you offered her comfort in the only way you knew how... you offered her the very substance of life, and it bolstered her faith in herself... and in you.

She believed in you. As she cried tears, angry tears, you were reminded of the fact that the worst storms always wash up driftwood on the shore. Good things will happen, if you trust in each other, you thought.

But the dance had to begin again, and you had to return to being Yubaba's slave.

The game was a good one, between you and Yubaba. She doubted how much of your will she controlled - the one thing you feared was her finding out that you still had any desire to be free of her. You were powerful, and as her apprentice, the people at the Bathhouse feared you, but no one seemed to realize you were her greatest slave.

It was like walking along the edge of a cliff, and not knowing if your wings would work when the ground inevitably crumpled beneath you.

And it did... oh, it did.

Yubaba sent you to take something too dangerous, something that she coveted greatly... but the price was too high for you, dragon boy. You can't remember much of what happened, but all you knew was there was pain, and anger. Flashes of the girl, and then nothing...

Until you woke up, and learned the girl was gone.

Then was the time to let go, you told yourself, but you couldn't leave her. She's merely human, you told yourself, and she can't survive in the spirit world.

Finally you confronted Yubaba. It wasn't for yourself - no. You never would have gotten the courage to confront the witch to confront the witch for your own freedom.

No, you did it for her. She needed you, even if she didn't know it... and you knew she was trying to help you, along with her parents. It was funny, that a human was trying to help a god. But that's what worshipers were for, right?

Yubaba was furious, enraged; you were like ice, and it was that which enabled you to move freely. As you left the castle, you knew that something was changing. A part of you was waking up, something which you had thought dead.

And when you saw her again, you knew what it was.

You had forgotten what it was to have dreams. When she spoke, she spoke of things to come; she made plans, and had hopes. You'd been living in stasis for so long that it felt like a miracle.

But the true miracle happened when she gave you back yourself.

"Your name is Nigihayami Kohaku Nushi," she said, and the final barrier around your heart shattered, and together you cried.

She didn't need to know how precious and rare a dragon's tears were, did she?

All she needed was that promise you made together. You will find her again, won't you? After all... you're a dragon... and she has faith in you.

Can you have any less faith in yourself?


End file.
